In which I chill out

After my adolescent fit of pique last night, I decided to approach today more constructively. It took me the entire 12 hours between my big boys going to sleep last night and me seeing them this morning for me to suck it up and want to reengage as a parent, but suck it up I finally did.

I began by mentally evaluating what, specifically, I want to accomplish (see how dispassionately analytical I was in my approach?). In addition to my 5 year old's much-discussed screaming fits, he's been noticeably unkind lately - mostly to me, his little brother, and his best friend. So, the two issues I would really like to address are 1) screaming exorcist-style meltdowns, and 2) kindness. I decided the two are probably related and have similar roots. The poor guy has had a lot going on - two new siblings and starting kindergarten being the obvious biggies.

Another factor, that I haven't discussed much on here, is how he is treated by my stepchildren when they are here on the weekends. I have to put in a disclaimer that I really do love my stepkids. I know how lucky that makes me as a step-parent. Even so, I find being a step-parent much more difficult than being a parent. That's a whole other post/series of posts, so let me just move on to the point (at last! I hear everyone thinking loudly). Although I love my stepkids, they are a big influence on my boys, and they have a different standard of behavior at their mother's house, so I find myself walking a line of wanting my boys to love their siblings but not exactly emulate everything they do. One example of this from today was the tone my stepson used with my five year old. It sounded exactly like the tone the five year old has been using with his friend. That realization made me think that I need to get all of the big kids involved in a solution, not just the one being the most overtly difficult.

I took an idea from a new blog I've been reading and modified it for my family. I got the kids involved in making and decorating a "kindness jar." I started it off by putting in four folded pieces of paper (one for each of the big kids). They will lose a piece of paper for being unkind and get a new paper for being kind. I also drilled into their heads the following definition of kindness - "thinking of other people's feelings." Their first response was to want four jars (one for each of them) instead of one communal jar, but I think I finally got into their heads the teamwork component of the exercise. If the jar is ever emptied, they will lose a group privilege (like computer time, which is always in contention), and if they fill it to the top (unlikely, but I can dream), they will get a joint reward, like an outing to the zoo or a chosen-together toy (I'm guessing that they will lose a bunch of kindness slips in the process of trying to choose their reward, that should be entertaining in a why-do-I-bother-parenting kind of way).

It may have been a fluke, but today was definitely better, all the way around. At least I feel like I'm trying something (god I hate this word) proactive, instead of just saying no, no, no all day.

I should just change the name of this blog to parenting for dummies or something (me being the dummy), since what's in my head these days, if anything, has to do with how to survive life with children. This post is disjointed and dull, due in large part to 4 baby feedings, 2 bedtime routines, 1 phone call and an emergency smoothie making, but I'm putting it up anyway, because I feel hopeful and marginally in charge of my own fate today, and I can't miss an opportunity to post something that isn't just bitching start to finish. Tomorrow is back to school night at my son's kindergarten, so I'm sure the bitching will recommence shortly afterwards.