The First Annual Allies

Today has been hard-core suckass horrible, but rather than dwell on the misery and bitterness, I have decided to hold an Alioto Family Awards ceremony. You may call the awards "the Allies."

Most Likely to Become an Actor - the award goes to....the 6 year old, for a fine, sustained performance of histrionics this morning the likes of which (I hope) most people have never seen. His exertions were impressive to behold, and his energies went toward both verbal and physical expression of displeasure. The reason for this 2 hour tantrum, which would have made any 2 year old envious? I sent him to his room for interrupting me on the phone over 10 times during a 5 minute conversation. I know, I'm vicious. Please don't call the cops.

Most Likely to Become an Opera Singer - the award goes to....boy twin. His voice is, thus far, usually gratingly unpleasant, but I'm certain that the incessant "eh eh eh eh" whine he emits must be strengthening his vocal cords and preparing him for a life of fame and fortune on the opera circuit. Does opera have a circuit? Whatever.

Most Likely to Be Eaten by a Giant Tortoise - the crazy wacked-out almost-4-year-old, who will not let his goddamned imaginary enemy go, and who spent the whole day alternating between being really rough with the babies and then shrieking in literal hysterics when I put him in time out, because being away from my side renders him subject to the mercies of the "giant tortoise! giant tortoise! giant tortoise! giant tortoise!" I swear to god, if he does not get over this soon, I'm going to find a giant tortoise and feed him to it.

Most Likely to Live to Adulthood - girl twin, my lovely darling angel-girl, who was a little fussy today but did just have surgery yesterday and was wearing lavendar satin and tights and was thus cute enough to pull it off. Also, she was mostly drowned out. And she has adorable ringlets.

Most Likely to Chain My Mother to the House upon Her Return - my husband, who not only has to weather my mood swings alone this week, but also has to listen to me bitch without pause about the enormously increased workload I have with my mother gone. Of course, he just turned on yet another boring-ass documentary and then left the room to play a video game, so my sympathy is lower than it might be.

And thus concludes the first annual Allie awards. I really, really wish alcohol didn't conflict with my medication.

Laziness and loathing

I'm the laziest blogger ever. I have things in my head about which I could write - Harry Potter, med school, ear-infection-prone twins, knitting, language delays, organic food, disastrous housekeeping. But my interest flickers from thing to thing faster than I can pull up Blogger, and I'm beset by some parenting malaise that prevents coherency (clearly). Because next to and under and around and through the laziness is the loathing, the annoyance, the deep-itch-irritation with my big boy.

I am a good parent in my head. I have reserves of self-confidence that I begin to suspect are not warranted, a faith in my love for my kids and the belief that I've sacrificed too much for them for it not to matter - they have to turn out well, I've paid for a good result with my time and sleep and heart and soul and body and money and whatever other currency I had at the beginning of this foolishness. And yet. My big boy tries my patience every day. Every 5 minutes, really. And it seems like my patience is never quite big enough for the task.

We're having him evaluated, for ADHD and a mood disorder, and I don't know what I'm more afraid of - that he does have some kind of problem that will affect him throughout his life, or that there's nothing wrong except my own terribly short fuse and imperfect affection. In the meantime, the summer days that were looking so promising are getting slower and longer, with all of us restless and at odds with each other.

Today is lame

Nothing is terribly wrong, and I'm not even in an especially bad mood (although I'm getting there), but nothing is going smoothly today. The day started off well enough, with me getting everyone dressed and out of the house by 9:30. I found a farmer's market nearby that started today at 10am, according to its website. We got there at 10:15, just in time to watch one lonely truck pull in and start unloading, next to two signs - one said the market was from 10-2, and one said 11-2. I guess the rest of the vendors are following the 11-2 sign. No big deal, we were near Whole Foods, so we ran over there instead. The minute we got in the store, boy twin set up an unholy racket that persisted throughout our shopping and my big boy, who just completed kindergarten and consistently earned high marks for behavior, proceeded to tear through the store, running into people and knocking over displays and just generally acting like an ass. We finished mercifully fast, and I asked big boy to help me carry a bag to the car. He snotted "NO," so I said okay and just got the stuff myself, then grabbed girl twin from the cart. There was a soggy squishing sound as I pulled her from the seat, because she had shit a perfect storm through her diaper and clothes and all over everything. I wrangled girl and mess and bags to the car, with big boy screaming behind me that he had changed his mind and wanted to carry a bag. I ignored the insanity and loaded the car, changed the baby, and started to pull away. Big boy made hissy huffy noises until I asked him to stop. Naturally, he continued, so I told him, still calmly, that I would not take him to the pool if he kept it up. He did it again - no pool. So, he screamed, literally SCREAMED, all the way home. I am a mean, mean mommy, it's my fault he acts badly, he hates me, I hate him, life sucks. Wah wah wah. Got home to a message from my friend that she had to cancel our playdate due to car trouble - apparently, today's powers of disruption are not localized. Dropped off the kids and went to pilates, which had been canceled (another sign of the day's widespread negative energy). Went to pick up my veggies from the CSA (love Tuesdays!), and am trying to maintain my enthusiasm for greens. Lots and lots of greens. That's okay, though, that's not really part of the day's suck. Came home to more bad behavior from big kids and whiny poopiness from little kids and it's 1:45 and I really, really just want to go to bed and start over.

How's your day?