Mother's Day

Sometimes I feel like the most unsuitable unfit mother. I always love them perfectly, but rarely show it perfectly. I am far too selfish and impatient to be the mother my children deserve, the mother I wish I could be. Since I started back to school and the twins finally started sleeping, I've felt my lack even more acutely - am I hurting my kids by pursuing my own dreams? Am I taking too much time away from them for classes and homework and friends and my own life in general?

Thank goodness for Mother's Day. For this morning at least, I feel like I must be muddling through okay. To quote Sally Field - they like me, they really like me. All of my big ones have drawn me pictures and brought me treats of their own creation. My stepson drew a picture of our family in which I was labeled "Mom," which may be the best Mother's Day present ever. My four year old is singing "Happy Mother's Best Day to You," to the tune of "Happy Birthday." My girl twin is finally over the worst of her mystery fever, which may not be for me but makes her a much more pleasant member of the family. Everyone is being cheerful and kind to each other and only regularly destructive, and we're going Go-Karting in a while and life feels at least temporarily in balance.

I am so fortunate, and so are my children, that there are so many wonderful mothers in my life. My own mother has always been a model of patience and selflessness, and I try to live up to her example while my family and I benefit from her steadying presence every day. My grandmother was the kindest person I've ever known. I still miss her and I wish my children could have known her. My mother-friends save my life and sanity every day. When I had my first child, I didn't have many close friends who were mothers, and I felt so alone with my inadequacy and panic. Now, seven years later, I feel part of a network of incredible women, incredible mothers, and I don't know how I could go on without them.

Why is it so much harder to write what's real and important? I am not "only" a mother, there is more to my ever-shifting sense of self, but if I suck at this the rest seems pretty pointless. It's nice to have days like this, with or without the holiday label, that make me feel like I'm at least generally on the right track.